Month: February 2021

A man scores a hot date. Not wanting to disappoint the girl he started dating in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, “we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick.” To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and the girl he started dating are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.

Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll and vanishes back under the table.
His date, unsurprisingly shocked, slowly smiles and says, “could you do that again?”

The man, his eyes watering slightly, replies “probably, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my arse.”

“””””

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Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’

Ali says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?

Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says ‘So what does your sign say’?

Ali shows Habib his sign. It reads:

‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan’.

“””””

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A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins…

She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”

The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”

Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks “Oh my God, what’s wrong?”

“Well, you were recovering for a long time,” the doctor says solemnly, “we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them…”

Shocked, the mother asks “What did he name the girl?”

The doctor lets out a sigh and says “Denise.”

“Oh!” The mother says, “That’s a lovely name, what about the boy?”

The doctor places a hand on the mother’s shoulder, shaking his head he says…

“Denephew.”

“””””

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, “Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I’m sure!” replies the corporal. “I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!” So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterwards, the soldiers walk drunk out of the bar and run into two prostitutes, a blonde and a brunette. “Hey!” say the prostitutes. “Wanna have a good time?”

“I would!” says the sergeant. “Me too!” says the corporal.

“Are you sure about that?” the sergeant asks again. “Of course I’m sure!” replies the corporal. “I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!” So the sergeant takes the blonde and the corporal takes the brunette.

“I must warn you,” says the brunette, “I have the clap.” Neither of the two soldiers know what “the clap” is, so the sergeant looks it up in his pocket dictionary. “It’s safe,” he tells the corporal.
A week later, the sergeant visits the corporal in the hospital. “Why did you tell me it was safe?” asks the corporal.

“The dictionary told me the clap only affects the privates,” replies the sergeant, “and you are a corporal now.”

——-

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