Getting a Divorce

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about, you can’r get divorced!” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”


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A man goes on vacation with his wife and her mother

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and her mother. While in Israel, his wife’s mother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it’s going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:

“I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her”

Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I’m not about to take that risk with your mother.


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Older gentlemen buying from peddlers

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he’s ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says “Sir! Sir! I must have one of those roosters!” The peddler replies, “I’m happy to sell you one, but in the business, we call them cocks.” The man notes this, and continues on his way.
Another mile or two down, he spots another peddler, a female, this time with many young hens, again the most prolific the man has ever seen. “Ma’am! Ma’am!,” he says. “I must have one of those hens!” She replies, “Absolutely sir, but in the business, we call them pullets.” Again, the man makes a note of the accepted vernacular, and continues on his way.

A third peddler has set up shop a little further down, this time with the most muscled donkey he has ever seen. For the third time in as many stops, the man exclaims, “I must have it. Please, sell me this donkey!” The peddler replies, “I would be happy to, but we call them asses around here, not donkeys. Additionally, this one is a little tricky. He has a habit of sitting during traveling, and will only respond if you give him a little tickle.” The man makes another mental note of the details, and continues on his way.
After another 45 minutes, the ass sits down in the middle of the road. Remembering the advice about tickling him, the man looks for a way to secure the rooster and hen while he does the job, but struggles to find a solution. He sees a young woman walking adjacent to his position, and calls to her.

“Ma’am! Ma’am! I’m so sorry to bother you, but I need your help terribly. We’ve been going on for a while and I think I might lose my mind. Can you please, PLEASE, hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass???”


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Beautiful woman sits next to sad man

A man was drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she comes out, dressed head to toe in latex with a whip, but the man is headed out the door. She asks: “Where are you going?! I thought you wanted to get kinky!?”

He said, “Hey lady, I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I am going home!”


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