So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, “We’re going to be out here for over month, and I don’t see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?”

The old timer nods knowingly and says, “Well son, see that barrel over there in the corner? When the urge strikes you and you really can’t contain yourself, walk on over there, put your dick in hole on the side of the barrel: the barrel will take care of the rest. No shame here on the oil rig when it comes to the barrel. Just remember, you can use the barrel any day but Sunday.”

The new guy laughs and doesn’t think about the barrel again that morning. A day goes by on the oil rig, then another, and the new guy is starting to get a little randy, Well, that afternoon he’s over scrubbing and cleaning by the barrel. He starts to feel a little blood flow, looks around to see no one is about, and says ‘why not?’ to himself.

Down goes the zipper of his coveralls and he pops his dick into the hole on the barrel. The barrel starts giving him the best blowjob he’s ever had and he’s in bliss as his eyes roll back into his head.
An hour later he runs back to the barrel for round two.

That evening in the galley, the new guy excitedly sits down next to the old-timer, “I used the barrel twice and it was great! I’m going to use it every day now! No more frustrations on this old oil rig!” and smiles to himself.

The old-timer looks over his plate of food at the new guy and sternly lectures, “You mean every day except Sunday.”

“Why cant I use it on Sundays?” asks the new guy.
The old-timer looks the new guy straight in the eye and gives him a wink. “Sunday is your turn to sit in the barrel.”

“””””

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A woman puts an ad in a newspaper to find a new husband.

The ad states, “I need a man that won’t beat me, won’t chase after me, and is good in bed.”

The next day she hears a ring at her doorbell. She answers the door to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

The woman: Can I help you?

The man: I’m here to answer your ad in the newspaper about finding a new husband.

The woman: But you don’t have any arms!

The man: Well I guess I can’t beat you.

The woman: You also don’t have any legs!

The man: Well I guess I can’t chase after you.

The woman: How are you going to be good in bed?

The man: How the hell do you think I rang the doorbell?

“””””

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies. . . ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

“””””

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

“””””

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