Month: September 2021

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

“””””

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A bus full of nuns get killed in a car accident. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St Peter, he says to them, “Sisters welcome to heaven, in a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates but first I must ask each of you a single question”. St Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister have you ever touched a penis”.

The sister responds, “There was this one time when the tip of my little finger touched one”.
“Alright then Sister dip your little finger in the holy water and you may be admitted”, Peter replied. She did so. Peter turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis”.
“Well, there was this one time that I held one for a moment”

“Alright Sister, just wash your hand in the holy water and you may be admitted”. She did so.
At this moment Peter hears a jostling in the line, it seemed as though one nun was trying to cut in in-front of another.

St Peter sees this and asks the nun, “Susan what is this, there is no rush”.
Sister Susan responds, “well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff I better do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it”.

“””””

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

“Any issues or concerns?”, asks the Dr.

“Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore.”
“That’s very unusual”, says the Doc, “Hop up on table and let me take a look.”

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says the lady dwarf can get dressed again.

“There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong at the moment, but next time it rains, and you get the same reaction, I want you to come straight in. OK?”

About two weeks later, after two days of steady rain, the lady dwarf is in a fair amount of discomfort and heads to the Dr’s office.

The Dr has her stand in front of him and gets her to lift her skirt up. Examining her for a few moments he says, ” You’re right, it’s very inflamed, but I think I see the problem.”

He goes to his desk and grabs a pair of surgical scissors and sits back down in front of her. “This won’t hurt a bit”, he says as the scissors near her crotch.

She’s so afraid that she has to look away. After a couple of minutes of cutting he tells the lady dwarf, “OK, you can let your skirt down now. Try a few steps around the office and see if that’s made a difference.”
Cautiously at first she takes little steps, then her eyes light up and she takes several big strides.
“Oh Dr!”, she exclaims joyfully, “That’s such a relief, what did you do?!”

“Not much”, he said, “I just cut about two inches off the top of your rubber boots.”

“””””

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening… suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, “Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!”
The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exits the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, “Take all your money – all that you’ve won – go inside and put it on 27!” – “Again?!” – “Yes! Do it!” – The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and … wins!

Now everyone in the casino is amazed, they check the wheel, nope – no tilt or bias, seems like genuine luck, reluctantly he’s given almost two hundred thousand dollars and leaves elated. Outside he meets the Devil again who again tells him to go put everything on 27, the man is shocked but does so, and wins again!
And now he’s given most of the casino’s bank, millions of dollars, walks out shining like a star, and says to the Devil, “I don’t know why people say you’re the most sinister being there is, you’ve been awesome to me today!!”

The Devil gives him a weird look, pauses, and replies, “Well that may be true or not… but you are definitely the luckiest motherfucking son of a bitch that I’ve ever fucking seen!!”

“””””

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