Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?

Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?

Karen: At last a sensible approach.

Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?

Karen: it’s cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

“””””

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Why did I get divorce from my wife, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn’t get me a present and didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

“””””

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A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife. “Helen,” he said, “We’ve been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side.”

His wife solemnly replied, “I remember, dear.”

“Helen,” he continued, “when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn’t think I could go on, but you were by my side.”

His wife began to softly cry, “I know, dear.”

“And now,” the man went on, “I’m about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?”

His wife sobbed, “Right here by your side, dear.”

“Helen,” the man said, “I’m beginning to think you might be bad luck.”

“””””

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There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
“But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

“””””

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