A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

On his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and…

the coffin stops.

“””””

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.

“What’s wrong?”, said the man next to her. “The bus driver said something that offended me!”, she said.

“Well, that’s not right. Bus drivers are public servants. He shouldn’t have offended you. Why don’t you go back to the front and ask for an apology?”, said the man.

“You’re right, I should do that right now!”, said the mother as she stands up. “Good for you!”, the man replies. “Now, let me hold your monkey.”

“””””

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A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.

So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they’re out. And he starts yelling. “This war is stupid! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!”

At once a policeman approaches him and says “Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well… you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now.”

So the man went home and his wife said “Were they out of sugar?”

And he said, “Yes! And also bullets!”

“””””

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Two Irishman are lost at sea in a lifeboat.

One finds a lamp and rubs it to find a genie who offers them one wish.

Before the other can say a word, one of them leaps to his feet and yells, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness!” The genie performs this miracle and vanishes.

The other Irishman glares at the wisher and says

“O’Malley, you idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

“””””

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