A young couple is on their shoestring budget honeymoon. They arrive at their hotel which is right next to the train tracks. The woman lies down to rest while her husband goes out to grab something to eat.

No sooner does the woman lie down in bed, then a train thunders by, shaking the room so much that she is knocked out of bed.

She immediately calls the front desk to complain. The clerk is understandingly skeptical so he agrees to come up to see.

He lays down in the bed, waiting for the shaking to begin, when the woman’s husband walks in.
“What the hell are you doing in our bed”

The clerk sheepishly replies, “You’ll never believe it, but I’m waiting for a train.”

“””””

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At school, the children were given the topic “There is only one mom” for their homework.

On the second day at school, Wendy reads her homework:

My mom is good, she takes care of us, looks after us. There is only one such mother.

Jason reads the homework:

No mom is as good as mine. She takes care of everything for us and she is also very beautiful and kind.

It’s Johnny’s turn to read his homework:

When I came home yesterday, the apartment door was open. My little brother was in the craddle and he was crying. Mom was in bed with the neighbor. When she saw me, she asked me to bring her two beers from the fridge. I went to the fridge and saw that there was only one beer. I shouted to her: There is only one, mom.

“””””

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An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, ‘What do they do here?’ He is told, ‘First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes and whips you for the rest of the day. The man does not like the sound at all, so he goes to the American hell. He is also told the same routine: ‘First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes and whips you for the rest of the day.’ He then tries a few other hells and gets the same answer to his question.

Then finally he comes to the Indian hell and finds a very long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, ‘What do they do here?’ And to his surprise, once again he receives the same answer.

He exclaims, ‘What the hell! That’s exactly the same as all the other hells-so what’s the long queue for?”
He receives the response: ‘Because maintenance is so bad, the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government of India bureaucrat – so he comes in, signs the register and then goes off to the cafeteria.

“””””

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A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.

The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”

The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”
“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”

“””””

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