A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said,”I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

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This man was unhappy with his appearance, so he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?” “36” The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the cashier “How old do you think I look?”
The cashier says “You’re in your early 30s”.

He says “I’m 55 but I appreciate you”

Feeling good about himself. He’s standing at the bus stop and this little old lady. He asked the lady “how old do you think I am?”

She says “I am 85 years old and my eyes aren’t what they used to be, but when I was younger. I could reach down a man’s pants, feel around for a little and tell someone exactly how old they were.”
“No you can’t”

She says “yes I can”

He looks around and says “Go ahead”

The old lady sticks her hand is pants and moves it around for a bit. She pulls out her hand and say “you’re 55” “What the fuck” he says shockingly.

The old lady says “Nah I’m just messing with you. I was standing behind you at McDonald’s.”

“””””

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I’m having an affair with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”

“””””

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Little Johnny’s teacher assigned the students to write a story with a good “moral of the story.”

The next day little Johnny tells his story…. “My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

On the way down he drank the whiskey. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story….Johnny replies, “Yeah… don’t fuck with my dad when he’s been drinking!”

“””””

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