There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition.” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man” he said. “He cheated on his wife, abused his family, swindled his friends and the poor…” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with “But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

“””””

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question – and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’

The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

“””””

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Dugly was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering briefly, Dugly decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Dugly.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dugly soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Dugly. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”

Again, Dugly thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dugly.

Although he survived, it took several months before Dugly fully recovered. Now Dugly was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Dugly, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”

“””””

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A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.
He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can’t call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the Buddhist monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle of the night, the man wakes up hearing a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that its source is a strange door made of wood, but it’s locked. The following morning, the monks give the man breakfast and fix his car. He thanks the monks and asks them:

“Honorable monks, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity, but I must ask you a question. Last night I heard a strange noise coming from behind a locked wooden door, and I’m dying to know what the source of the noise is.”

The leader of the monks responds:

“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”

The man thanks the monks again and leaves disappointed. A year goes by, and the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the same monastery. He knocks on the door again and they greet him as an old friend, giving him once again a bed to sleep on. In the middle of the night, the man hears the same strange noise, and follows it again to see it’s coming from the same wooden door, which is still locked. In the morning, the monks once again gave him breakfast and fixed his car, and as he was about to leave the man once again implored the monks to know what was behind the wooden door:

“Thank you once again, kind monks. It has been one whole year and I still wonder what the source of the strange noise is, as I’ve heard it again last night.”

The Buddhist monks all look at each other and cackle. The leader once again steps forward and tells the man:

“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”

The man leaves frustrated once again, and doesn’t stop thinking about the strange noise for months. Two years later, the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the monastery once again, and once again the monks give him shelter. The man hears the strange noise in the night again, and in the morning asks the monks:

“Please, kind monks. I must know the source of the noise, I beg you.”

The Buddhist monks explain to the man once again:
.
“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”

The man asks them what he has to do to become a monk. They tell him he must travel the world and count all the leaves in the world’s trees, all the blades in the world’s grass, all the grains of the world’s sand, and all the drops of water in the world’s oceans. He must return with the exact number, and only then will he become a monk and be able to learn the source of the sound.

The man sets out on his quest to become a monk, and 65 years later returns to the monastery as an old man.

“I have traveled the world,” he said. “I have counted every leaf in the trees, every blade of grass, every grain of sand, and every drop in the ocean. There are 1572794609028 leaves in the world’s trees, 3651820812479 blades of grass in the world, 6810329185872 grains of sand in the world, and 10752899862394 drops of water in the world’s oceans.”

“Congratulations,” the leader of the monks said. “You are now a monk. Please, come with us.”

The Buddhist monks took the man to an initiation ceremony. They gave him his robes and shaved all his hair. The man requested to be taken to the wooden door to learn the source of the strange sound, so the monks took him and gave him the key. The man opened the wooden door, just to find a door made of stone behind it. He asked for the key to the stone door, and the monks gave it to him. He opened the stone door to find a door of coal behind it.

One by one, the man kept unlocking and opening doors. After the door of coal he found a door of glass, then a door of iron, then a door of steel, then a door of bronze, then a door of silver, then a door of ruby, then a door of sapphire, then a door of emerald, then a door of gold, then a door of platinum, then a door of diamond, and finally a door of obsidian.

“This is the final door,” said the leader of the monks. “Behind it you will find the source of the strange sound.”

The monks handed the man the key to the door of obsidian and, as he opened it, the man finally found the source of the strange sound…

But I cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.

“””””

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