Month: May 2023

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

“Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

“That’s amazing!” says the second caterpillar. “How are you doing that?!”

The first caterpillar scoffs. “Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?”

“””””

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A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck will have it, while in their way back they run into a group of People.

The Priest covers his genitals, while the Rabbi covers his Face.

After the People have left the Priest asks the Rabbi:”What was that supposed to be??”

The Rabbi smiling:”Well my Friend, my community recognizes me by my face.”

“””””

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There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin.

After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family.

The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?”

“Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.”
“Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

“””””

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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.

“Hell no, and besides you are drunk” and slams the door shut.

As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him.”Don’t you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go outside and help the poor man.”
Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, “Do you still need a push?”
In the distance he hears a reply, “Yes Please.”
“Where are you?” to which he hears,
?
“Over here on the swing set.”

“””””

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