A couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party the wife had a headache.

She told her husband to go on alone. Reluctantly he agreed. He put on his bear costume and left. She took a nap and woke up feeling great.

Realizing her husband didn’t know her costume, she decided to go and see what he was up to.
She got there and saw the bear flirting with every woman in sight. Still masked, she approached him; after a few drinks he propositioned her.

They went into a bedroom and had sex for an hour, even in positions she’d never done before. When they were done, he left without saying a word. She went home.

When her husband got home, she asked about his night.

“Same old, same old,” he said. “When I got there, a bunch of the guys were in back playing poker. So I played cards all night.”

She said, “You must have looked silly playing cards in a bear costume.”

“I gave the costume to your Dad. He said he had the time of his life.”

“””””

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with magnificent big breasts. Dugly, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen’s big boobs. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Dugly revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Phil the Erudite lawyer, the King’s chief adviser. Phil thought about this and said that he could arrange for Dugly to more than satisfy his titty desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Dugly readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Phil got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Phil informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Phil advised that only the saliva of Dugly would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Dugly to their chambers. Phil then slipped Dugly the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Dugly worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Dugly left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Dugly found Phil demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his breast obsession now satisfied, Dugly couldn’t have cared less knowing that Phil could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Phil slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Dugly.

“””””

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Taxi driver, fresh on the scene, picks up his first passenger. The driver started to head to the location requested by the passenger. 10 whole minutes had passed with complete silence. The radio wasn’t even turned on. A fitting comedown from the hectic workday the passenger had.

He then notices a Denver Broncos bobble head toy on the drivers dashboard, and is inclined to tell him they were his father’s favourite team.

“Hey, ma-”

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!” The driver shouts in a terrified, screechy fashion. He loses control of the wheel, swerves left, crashes into a fruit stall, swerves right and then collides with a lamppost. Bringing the sudden chaoticness to and end.

A moment passes.

“Dude, WTF!” The passenger complained. The driver then apologised. “Sorry, man. It’s my first time on the job and I haven’t adjusted from my previous job yet.”

“What did you do before this?”
“I drove a hearse.”

“””””

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Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

“””””

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