Several nuns are renovating an old church. It’s the middle of summer and with no electricity yet, it’s very hot in the building. One of the nuns decides to take off her habit and strips down to just her panties.
“What are you doing?” yells the Mother Superior.

“It’s so hot in here, Mother Superior!” she replies. “It’s only us in here, so I didn’t think it would be a problem to take off my habit. It also makes it easier to move around and work.”

The other nuns all start agreeing and asking if they can do the same. The Mother Superior tells them, “You may all take off your habits but stay away from the windows. They’re not covered yet, and we don’t want anyone to see.”

The other nuns disrobe and go back to work. All of them are in just their panties, but after about an hour, there’s a knock at the door. They all look at each other nervously because they’re all in their underwear, so the Mother Superior walks over to the door. Without opening it, she asks, “Who is it?”
A voice from the other side of the door says, “Blind man.”

They all breathe a sigh of relief, and the Mother Superior opens the door, saying, “What can I do for you, my child?”

The man says, “Nice tits, sister. Where do you want me to start hanging the blinds?”

“””””

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Dugly is an inmate in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Ray.

After taking some time to size Ray up and decide that he can trust him, Dugly tells Ray about his plan to escape.

“You see, ” Dugly says, “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something, and it comes out broken down into its components.” Ray is skeptical but intrigued.

Dugly continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Ray asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Dugly says, “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion a rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Ray, disgusted, says, “You have got to be kidding me!”

And Dugly says, “I shit, you knot.”

“””””

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Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until

I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here’s the joke I told:

“What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your laundry in.”

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

“””””

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A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

“I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady: “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: “Oh Well now That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

“””””

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