A redhead goes in to see her doctor complaining that she hurt all over.

“Well can you tell me where you hurt?”the doctor asks. She points to her elbow and says,”Right here.Ouch”

The doctor replies,”Anywhere else?” She points to her knee and says, “Right here.Ouucchh!” The doctor again asks,”Anywhere else?” “Yeah right here in the back of my neck. Ooouuucchh!!, As she points.

“Let me ask you something,” said the doctor.”Your not really a redhead are you?” “Im actually a blonde”she replied. “I thought so,” said the doctor. “Your fingers broke!”

“””””

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An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady: “Excuse me, I think one of your bags broke and money is falling out.”

The lady looks back.

“Oh my, thank you young man, most people these days would just walk by and not say a thing. You are such a sweetie.”, she replies, drops the bags and starts collecting the money.

The policeman looks at the two bags and he becomes curious.

“How did an old lady like you get a full bag of money anyways?”

“Oh, it is an honest business don’t worry”, the woman says. “I live in a house right next to the golf course and I have a beautiful garden with lots of nice flowers. However my fence is old and full of holes, so the golfers tend to come next to the fence, stick it through the holes and pee all over my flowers. This really hurts my garden, so I have figured out a trick. When they put it in the hole, I am waiting there with gardening shears and I say: ‘Give me 100$ or off it goes.’”

The policeman is stumped, but amazed at the same time.

“That really is a smart solution, however, I have to ask, what is in the second bag?”

To which the woman stands up, looks him dead in the eye and says: “Well, not everybody pays.”

“””””

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At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!”

At this, the Texan drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

“””””

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. “Hallo, Mr. Putin!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well, Paddy,” Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring ya back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Putin asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy’s farm tractor.” Putin sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to ya.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.”

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring ya back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 Russian prisoners.”
“””””

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