An overweight guy is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a program that guarantees weight loss of 10 pounds in a week, so the guy signs up for it. The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads “If you catch me, you can have me.”

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this, he tries the next weight loss plan – 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which, he weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the 20 pounds master program.

Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of the plan. Still, he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”

“””””

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A woman walks up to a bus stop to wait for a bus. The only other person waiting there is a guy wearing a ballerina outfit, full clown makeup and has an orange traffic cone on his head.

The woman tries to keep quiet but after a few minutes she can’t resist and asks the guy, “Hey, um…what’s with the outfit?”

“What do you mean?” he responds.

“Well, you’re wearing a tutu, clown makeup and you have a traffic cone on your head,” she says.
“Yeah,” he says casually. “It’s Wednesday. I always wear my ballerina outfit with my clown makeup and cone hat on Wednesdays.”

She replies, “It’s actually Tuesday today.”

“It’s Tuesday?!” the guy says. “Oh man…I must look like a fucking idiot.”

“””””

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A grumpy old man walks into a brothel and asks the madam “Is this a union brothel?” “No, sir,” she replies “I’ve owned and operated this bordello for 50 years without a union!” “Well, I’m a union man, so I only visit union brothels!” the man replies as he slams the door on his way out.

Three more cathouses, the same thing. Until he visits the very last bang shack in town; where the madam says “Why yes, we’re the only union pleasure house this side of the Mississippi!”

“That’s great!” he shouted excitedly “I want an hour with your prettiest, most voluptuous girl!”
“I’m sure you do.” she replied “But Agnes has seniority!”

“””””

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she’ll give him one for free.

He says “Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I’m asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.” She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before.

The girl is amazed at the old man’s stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he’ll need a 20 minute nap and she’ll have to hold his dick while he’s asleep. She does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and he goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously.

The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man “I can understand why you need the nap, but why do you need me to hold your dick while you’re sleeping?”

The old man replies “Oh, that’s just so you don’t steal my wallet.”

“””””

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