A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, “Yeah baby! That’s what I’ve been waiting for!”

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. “Yeah baby! Shake those things.”

Our friend turned around and said, “Hey buddy, calm down!”
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string.

Again the man behind our friend yelled out, “Oh baby! You’re almost there!”
Our friend again turned around and said, “Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!”
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, “Say buddy, where’s your enthusiasm now?”
The guy responded, “It’s all over your back, dude.”

“””””

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away. Jeanne went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Jeanne told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

“””””

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A proctologist is hitting his midlife crisis, and realises that he’s miserable in his career. He never really wanted to be a doctor, he just gave into pressure from his parents, and he’s made his money, paid off the house, seen the kids through college and decided “stuff it” he’s going to go back and retrain.
He thinks of all the things he likes and what would make him happy, and decides to retrain as a mechanic. He goes to trade school, studies hard, and reaches the final exam.

The final exam is having to strip down an engine to its individual components, then rebuilding it. He disassembles it, and then puts it all back together. He’s pretty confident he’s passed with flying colours.
A couple weeks later the results come out, and he’s got 150% on the final exam! He’s confused, so he reaches out to the teacher.

The teacher explains “well, the first 50% of the exam was for disassembling it, and you did that perfectly. The second 50% of the exam was for rebuilding it, and you did that perfectly, too”
“OK” says the now-former-proctologist, “but what about the extra 50%?”

“Well”, says the teacher, “it’s the first time we’ve ever seen that done entirely through the exhaust port.”

“””””

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On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.

Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: “Do you know what arthritis is?”
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

“It’s a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say.”

The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, asked the drunk: “How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it.”

“””””

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