An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer’s field. They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer’s wife into the bard and drops his pants. He has a green penis that’s about an inch long erect and narrow like a pencil. The farmer’s wife giggles a little until the alien twists his left ear. His penis extends to 13 inches. The alien then twists his right ear and his penis thickens to the width of a Red Bull can.

The next morning the aliens leave after breakfast and the husband asks his wife how it went. “Wonderful, I’m glad we agreed”, she replied. “How about you?”

The farmer says tells her it seemed really strange and very different from human sex. “How so?”, asked the wife?

“Well, all she did was play with my ears the whole time…”

“””””

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I met a one-legged lady at the bar. Out of curiosity,I asked her how she lost her leg.
“Well, it’s due to me being a great negotiator.”
Do tell.

“You see, I had a business trip down to Brazil, and I was able to get a private pilot to fly me for a quarter of the cost of a commercial airline. Unfortunately, the plane malfunctioned and we crash landed in the Amazon.”

Ah, so you cheaped out and lost your leg in the crash.

“No no, we were both perfectly fine. However, we landed in a territorial tribe’s land. They were going to kill us, but with my amazing negotiation skills we got out alive.”
You convinced them to only take a leg?

“What? No, they let us go in exchange for a bag of chips I had on me. They even escorted us out of the jungle and pointed us in the direction of the nearest city. Unfortunately, during the trek to civilization I got a severe infection in my foot.”

Ah, so you lost your leg to an infection.

“Goodness, no! I had some antibiotics on me, so I was able to keep it well enough until we reached the city. I wasn’t able to make a full recovery though, and had to return to the US immediately for medical attention. Fortunately, they were able to help me and I am now healthier than ever!”
That doesn’t explain anything! Why is your leg gone then?

“Well, the medical bill was going to cost me an arm and a leg, but I managed to negotiate it down to just the leg.”

“””””

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A man is sitting at a bus stop, and there is another man sitting next to him.

Suddenly another man comes up to the second guy and says
“E-E-Excuse me, s-sir. C-Co-Could you p-p-please gi-give me d-directions t-to-to the n-ne-nearest gro-grocery s-st-store?”

The man didn’t say anything. He just sat there, looking at him, stress on his face. After a moment the third man comes up to the first man and asks him the same question. The first man gave him the dieections, the third man thanked him and walked away. When he left the first man looked at the second man and asked:
“Why didn’t you answer him? Couldn’t you at least tell him that you don’t know”

The second man looked at him and said:
“I-I-I didn’t w-want him t-to-to th-think th-that I-I was m-mo-mocking h-him”

“””””

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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

“””””

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