Joke of the Day – Designated Decoy

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin,Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, Ill have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.

I doubt it, said the truly proud Redneck. Tonight, Im the designated decoy.

……………..

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Joke of the Day – New Taxi Driver

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says Im sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!

Sorry. I didnt realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much, the passenger says.

Its not your fault, replies the cabbie.

Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.

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Joke of the Day – Lost Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball……….stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.

What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
Hey, this looks like yours!
“““““

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Joke of the Day – New Words for 2008

1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

9. STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404
Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message 404 Not Found, meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS
Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

……………..

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