An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”

“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”

“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”

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My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread – on the very top shelf – he politely says to the young woman, Id like some raisin bread, please.

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasnt placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, Is yours raisin, too? No, croaked the old man, but its a quiverin….

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, Youre in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, You must be a Republican.

I am, replied the man. How did you know?

Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and Im still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help to me.

The man smiled and responded, You must be a Democrat.

I am, replied the balloonist. But how did you know?

Well, said the man, You dont know where you are or where youre going. Youve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. Youve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. Youre in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, its MY fault.

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