And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Okay. said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping, and there was no Ark.

Noah! shouted the Lord. Where is the Ark?

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going to the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plane. I sent them a globe.

Right now Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many employees Im supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully.

No, said the Lord sadly. The government already has.

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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that its his daughters birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?

The salesperson answers, Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95″.

The amazed father asks: Its what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir…., Divorced Barbie comes with: Kens Car, Kens House, Kens Boat, Kens Furniture, Kens Computer, one of Kens Friends, and a key chain made with Kens balls.

……………..

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10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson…. Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars……but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

……………..

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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call Id forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying Hello.

I politely said, This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear Get the right f***ing number! and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldnt believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyns correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled Youre an asshole! and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, Id call him up and yell, Youre an asshole! It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. Im calling to see if youre familiar with our Caller ID Program?

He yelled NO! and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre an asshole! and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull in to a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that Id been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that Id better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?

He said, Yes, it is. I asked, Can you tell me where I can see it? He said, Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . Its a yellow rambler, and the cars parked right out in front.

I asked, Whats your name?

He said, My name is Don Hansen,

I asked, Whens a good time to catch you, Don?

He said, Im home every evening after five.

I said, Listen, Don, can I tell you something?

He said, Yes?

I said, Don, youre an asshole!

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, Hello.

I said, Youre an asshole! (But I didnt hang up.)

He asked, Are you still there?

I said, Yeah,

He screamed, Stop calling me,

I said, Make me,

He asked, Who are you?

I said, My name is Don Hansen.

He said, Yeah? Where do you live? I said, Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.

He said, Im coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.

I said, Yeah, like Im really scared, asshole, and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, Hello?

I said, Hello, asshole,

He yelled, If I ever find out who you are….

I said, Youll what?

He exclaimed, Ill kick your ass,

I answered, Well, asshole, heres your chance. Im coming over right now.

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, Saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

……………..

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