He began his day with an 8lb walleye on the first cast and a 7lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walley over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that hed be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like hed never seen, with 3 walley over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant……….then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wifes condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didnt you?! I hope youre proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! Its just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And youll be her care giver forever!

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said…. Im just fuckin with ya. Shes dead. Whatd you catch?

……………..

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, 13…..13…..13….

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting 14…..14…..14….

……………..

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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, Have you been in the service?

Yes, he says, I was in Vietnam for three years.

The interviewer says, That will give you extra points toward employment and then asks, Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, Yes, 100%…. a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.

The interviewer tells the guy, OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?

This is a government job, the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…. no point in you coming in for that.

——-

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT????!!! So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear….You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman. I am thinking what was her first clue? I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store….I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings …. Let me tell you …. she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out No honey, I dont feel like buying all of this stuff now.

You should have seen her face…. it went completely blank. I then said Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.

I figure I wont be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2015.

……………..

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