A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the admin clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone.

Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me. Poof! Hes gone.

Okay, youre up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and wont eat it if they know what it is, so he doesnt tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, Whats for dinner dad?

Youll see, he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

Ok, says her dad, Heres a hint. Its what your mother sometimes calls me.

His daughter screams …. Dont eat it, Jimmy! Its a fucking asshole!

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A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The cowgirl replies, Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So Im drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. Oh, no, everybodys just fine, she explains, Its just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasnt affected my sisters, though.

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City.

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.

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