A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No, what did that stupid shit do this time?” asks the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table,” says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he’s been driving me nuts,” replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it,” says the barkeeper. “Well, what did you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

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Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it. Then, he said,” since that was so much fun, let’s go back and eat the sailors!” To which, she exclaimed, “I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You’re not going to get me to eat seamen, too.”

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A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his Advisor, “in her biology class.”

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This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ‘Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied, ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said, ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, ‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!’

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