Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “who do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

……………..

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A guy walks in to a bar,sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender gives him his drink.

The guy says to the bartender,
“I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my ear!”

The bartender says, “All right.”

The guy takes out his false teeth and bites his ear. The bartender pays him his $50.

The guy orders another drink. The bartender returns with his
drink and sets it on the bar.

The guy says to the bartender,
“I,ll bet you $50 that I can lick my eye!”

The bartender smiles and says, “I
know you can’t do that.”

The guy takes out his false eye,
licks his eye and puts it back in.
The bartender pays the guy $50 and walks away mad.

The guy gets up and mingles for a while. Twenty minutes later the guy sits back down at the bar and orders another drink. The bartender comes back with his drink.

The guy says to him “How would you like a chance to win your $100
dollars back?”

The bartender looks at him and
says, “All right what are you going to do this time?”

The guy says, “You take that beer
mug and slide it all the way down the bar,and I,ll pee in it and won’t miss a single drop.

The bartender accepts and slides the mug down the bar.

The guy starts pissing and pisses all over the bar, on the cups ,the whiskey,just everywhere.

The bartender says [with a smile],
“You owe me a hundred dollars”!

The guy pays him and walks away.

Twenty minutes later the guy returns to the bar with a smile,
and orders another drink.

The bartender brings him his drink and says,”Why are you so happy you just lost a hundred dollars?”

The guy says, “Well, you see those 3 guys over there? I bet them $200 a piece that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn’t get mad!”

……………..

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar.

He calls the bartender over and says he’d like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says “Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She’s a lesbian”.

The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says “that’s ok. I’d like to buy her a drink anyway.”

So the bartender brings the woman her drink.

The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks.

The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he’s sitting down on the stool next to her he says, “So, what part of Lesbia are you from?”

……………..

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron.

“He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

……………..

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