There was a guy sitting at a bar, just staring at his glass.

A truck carrying liquor arrives. The trucker comes in, orders a drink and says to the bartender,
“Lookit that guy over there. He won’t drink his beer. I’ll go drink it 4 ‘im.”

He walks over to the man, grabs his glass and gulps the drink down.

The man starts crying, and the trucker says “Ah, ya dum’ bloke! bartender, get this loser a drink!”

The man replies, “No,no,no, it’s not that! First, I fell asleep at work again, so my boss fired me,

then, while I was heading home my car broke down, so I had to walk home.

Then my wife said, ‘I don’t want you so please leave.’

Then I came here and wasted all my money drinking, and there you go drinking my POISON!!!”

……………..

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Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the that’s what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said Joe.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”

……………..

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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 5 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

……………..

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“Fine”
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

“Five Minutes”
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

“Nothing”
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

“Go Ahead”
This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

“Loud Sigh”
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

“That’s Okay”
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

“Thanks”
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly.

……………..

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