A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”

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A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare…!

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Backup – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal – Time to call the undertaker.
Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette – Female Disco dancer.
Fax – What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker – Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac – Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz – How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem – What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network – Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM – Where the pope lives.
Screen – Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor – Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your week-old underwear.

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Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.”
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.” So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. “What happened?” she cried.

“For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats.”

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