Joke of the Day – The Trip

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

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Joke of the Day – His and Her Diaries

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried.

I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

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Joke of the Day – The Cure For Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First guy asks the second guy, ‘How have things been going?’ The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,

I…..w…a…s……a…l…m…o…s..t..m…a…r…r…i…e..d’

The first guy says in amazement, ‘Hey, you’ve lost your stutter!’

The reply comes,

Y..e..s, .I….w..e..n..t…..t..o…..a…..d..o..c..t.o..r……a..n..d. . he…… t..o..l..d….. m..e…. t..h..a..t….. i..f….. I…… s..p..e…a..k….. s..l..o..w.l..y…… I …. w..o..u..l..d….. n..o..t…. s..t..u…t..t..e..r.’

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

‘W..e..l..l,….. m..y….. f..i..a..n..c..e..e….a..n..d…….. I…… w..e…r..e….. s..i.t..t..i..n..g…. o..n…..h..e..r……. p..o..r..c..h… a..n…d…. t..h..e…d..o..g… w..a..s.. s…c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n….g…… h..i..s….b..a..c..k….s.o….. I….. t..o..l..d…. h.e..r……t…h..a.t……w…h..e..n….. w..e…..a..r..e….m..a..r..r..i..e.d,…. s..h..e…… c..a .n…… d..o…..t..h..a..t….. f..o..r….. m..e…… a..n..d…..t..h..e..n…. s.h..e…. t..h..r..e..w……. t..h..e….. r..i..n..g…..i..n….. m..y….. f..a..c..e’

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?’ asks the friend.

‘W..e..l..l,……….I…..s..p..e..a..k..s..o…..s..l..o..w.l..y,….. t..h..a..t….b. .y…..t..h .e…… t..i…m…e….. s.h..e….. l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e … .d..o..g,….. h..e . w..a..s…….l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ….. b..a..l..l..s.’

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Joke of the Day – Boom

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive Calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.”

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

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