These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First guy asks the second guy, ‘How have things been going?’ The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,

I…..w…a…s……a…l…m…o…s..t..m…a…r…r…i…e..d’

The first guy says in amazement, ‘Hey, you’ve lost your stutter!’

The reply comes,

Y..e..s, .I….w..e..n..t…..t..o…..a…..d..o..c..t.o..r……a..n..d. . he…… t..o..l..d….. m..e…. t..h..a..t….. i..f….. I…… s..p..e…a..k….. s..l..o..w.l..y…… I …. w..o..u..l..d….. n..o..t…. s..t..u…t..t..e..r.’

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

‘W..e..l..l,….. m..y….. f..i..a..n..c..e..e….a..n..d…….. I…… w..e…r..e….. s..i.t..t..i..n..g…. o..n…..h..e..r……. p..o..r..c..h… a..n…d…. t..h..e…d..o..g… w..a..s.. s…c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n….g…… h..i..s….b..a..c..k….s.o….. I….. t..o..l..d…. h.e..r……t…h..a.t……w…h..e..n….. w..e…..a..r..e….m..a..r..r..i..e.d,…. s..h..e…… c..a .n…… d..o…..t..h..a..t….. f..o..r….. m..e…… a..n..d…..t..h..e..n…. s.h..e…. t..h..r..e..w……. t..h..e….. r..i..n..g…..i..n….. m..y….. f..a..c..e’

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?’ asks the friend.

‘W..e..l..l,……….I…..s..p..e..a..k..s..o…..s..l..o..w.l..y,….. t..h..a..t….b. .y…..t..h .e…… t..i…m…e….. s.h..e….. l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e … .d..o..g,….. h..e . w..a..s…….l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ….. b..a..l..l..s.’

……………..

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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.” He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive Calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.”

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

……………..

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An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Italian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

……………..

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He said: “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?”

She said: “Probably that I married you for your money.”

He said: “Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve want to make love to you really badly.”

She said: “Well, you’ve succeeded.”

He said: “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?”

She said: “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”

He said: “Let’s try swapping positions tonight?”

She said: “Fine. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.”

……………..

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