We had gay burgalars once. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A friend will call you in Jail. A good friend will visit you in Jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you in Jail saying…”THAT WAS AWESOME!”

Blue whales can produce over 400 gallons of sperm in one ejaculation. Only 10% of that makes it to the mate. That means that 360 gallons of sperm are let into the ocean every time a whale ejaculates. Try not to swallow to much ocean water… and maybe females should refrain from swimming… I wonder if they can get pregnant with whale babies??

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply. Leave good message. Me reply fast. But if me no like you, kiss my ass.

A B C D E F G, Gummie Bears are after me!!!! One is Red, one is Blue, a Yellow one just stole my shoe!

There are three kinds of people in the world… those who can count, and those who can’t.

Only in America do they leave the doors of the bank open, but chain the pens to the desk.

My whipped iced dairy drink brings the attentions of many males to my place of residence and/or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the proverbial recipe, but I would have to demand compensation.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

One time I tried to drown my fish… It didn’t work too well.

If you are the cable company, I already sent the money. If you are my family, please give me money. If you are my employer, you didn’t pay me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Dashing through the snow, in a pair of broken skis, screaming as I go, ramming into trees,(boomboomboom) snow is turning red, I think I’m almost dead, someone call an ambulance, ’cause I need a hospital bed. Oh, Jingle bells…

Sorry, but I’m away right now. Please leave your name, phone number, where you live, where you hide your money, and the times in which you’re not home, and I’ll get right back to you.

My doctor is so stupid. He says that I have a condition called ADD. He told me that it stood for Attention Def- Hey look! A butterfly!

Last night, when I was camping, I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING???

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

I am currently alphabetizing my M&M’s. Can you tell me what letter to start with?

My keyboard is racist. It has a +, but no Star of David key.

Booty Shakin* Heart Brakin* Madd Hott* Never stop* Short Skirt* Luv 2 flirt* Tyte Jeans* Curvy Hips* Glossed Lips* High Class* Nice Ass* Bangin Style* Sexy Smile* Luscious Thighs* Candy Eyes* Temptin Lips* KilLa Kiss* Tell me can u handle this?

Searching for friends on EBay!

Downloading life… 30%…60%…90%…Complete. Downloading good looks… 0%….0%….0%….0%… – Geek reality

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT, only takes 4 muscles to bitch-slap that little fuck upside the head.

Beer, Drugs, Rock n Roll – Speed, Weed, Birth Control – Life’s a bitch and then you die, So fuck this shit – let’s get high!

Love is a sensation caused by a temptation for a guy to stick his location into a girl’s destination for a generation and hope for duplication. Do you understand this explanation, or do u need a demonstration?

If you sleep with a girl without protection, you’re having sex with everyone your partner had sex with before. So, if your girlfriend slept with a guy, who slept with your ex g/f, who you slept with, technically you could be screwing yourself.

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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili

>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili

>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…

Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic

>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisas Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pams Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carlas Screaming Sensation Chili

>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing; its too painful. Screw it; Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karens Toenail Curling Chili

>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how hed have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

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An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean body builder.

“I’d like some information about the club.”

“Well”, says the body builder, “this is a great club. We have a number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year.”

“$5,000!!!!” the old man nearly passes out..

“We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of,” says the body builder, “but before you enter you’ll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club.”

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, “why not.”

The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

“You know,” says the body builder, “you have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?”

The old man tells the story, “This place is great. I haven’t had an experience like this in years.”

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar.

While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a homosexual. “Auuugh, Stop!!, Stop!!”, screams the old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it’s over.

The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder.

“But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?”

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. “Think about the women you can meet. “Don’t let this one incident affect your decision.”

“Son”, says the old man, “I get an erection maybe once a month, but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!”

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A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes!He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds, “He wasn’ t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”

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