Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard

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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. What are these guys in the big suits doing? A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused.

They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elders message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.

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“Passionate kiss like spider’s web – soon lead to undoing of fly.”

“Virginity like bubble. One prick – all gone!”

“Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”

“Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.”

“Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

“Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.”

“Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!”

“Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.”

“Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!”

“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.”

“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.”

“Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.”

“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!”

“If you park, don’t drink, accidents cause people.”

“It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”

“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

“Man who sit on tack get point!”

“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!”

“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.”

“Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand.”

……………..

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It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school that my friend Doug and I were out at night patrolling the neighborhood for a potential something to do.

This had been our nightly routine for some time now, and was basically an excuse to walk around looking cool and smoke. The night was going its usual pace and after an appetizer of kicking over a few garbage cans and knocking on a couple of doors and running away, it was time for our main course. Now when I say “main course” don’t think that there was one all-inclusive, high and mighty event that we use to close the evening with. It was just the time of night that we did whatever it took to exceed our prior doings for that evening.

It was then we saw our destiny. Across the street we spotted two beautiful blonde girls walking together. We crossed the street, approached them, and started our best ‘slick-dick’ conversation to get them to want to hang with us. Well whatever we said, it worked and they went off walking with us.

I don’t recall if it was Doug or I who suggested it, but we asked them if they wanted to go have a seance in this dark alley with us. They agreed and Doug ran home real quick to get a candle from his house to make it official. Upon his return, we began to make our way down the alley, already beginning to speak of death and demons to get the girls in the mood. It’s kinda funny how when you are a teenager and you come across someone you want to fuck (which was just about anyone), you subconsciously do the furthest thing from sexual seduction possible. The extent of a ‘turn off’ I was about to pull, was a horror that not even I could predict.

We made our way to a flat part of the alley, sat in a circle, placed the candle in the center and lit it. We began our best scare technique, that was to the best of our teenage male minds, just what they needed to scare them into sexual submission. Our attempt was meager at best and would have failed to scare a toddler let alone teenage girls. It was then out of desperation, that Doug had an idea that would send me to a state of embarrassment and humiliation that is inconceivable. He leaned over to me and whispered, “Why don’t you pull down your pants and fart on the candle flame. It will shoot out a big burst of fire and that will surely scare them.” Why that sounded logical to me remains a mystery in my brain to this day but at the time it sounded reasonable.

I began the stealth fumbling to undo my pants and work my fart as close to my anus as possible so it was ready to go. After I was all prepared, I gave a look to Doug to tell him here it goes. In one lightening fast move I stood up, pulled down my pants and positioned my ass over the fire but when I went to fart I shot the biggest stream of diarrhea I have ever created in my life, all over the place. It extinguished the candle creating an exceptionally smelly vapor. It shot all over the laps of the girls who immediately jumped up and ran down the ally screaming. The screaming caused all the dogs down the ally to start barking. All the dogs barking caused numerous back porch lights to come on. And there I stood in the middle of it all, pants down around my ankles, dick blowin’ in the wind and shit running down my leg watching Doug run the opposite way down the alley away from me.

It was at that moment I experienced the unbreakable pinnacle of embarrassing moments that I doubt I will ever out do.

And Yes….the story is true.

……………..

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