It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? “Heavens no, we bought it.”

“Then why don’t you drive it away.” “We can’t drive.” “Then why did you buy it?”

“We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

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A woman brought a rather dead looking duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”, she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! . READY ?

. . The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.00.

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Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

“Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!”

Bob says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin. Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me…he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an’

gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks..”

“Oh, yeah.. I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

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We have to polish the Polish furniture.

How can he lead if he can’t get the lead out.

A skilled farmer sure can produce a lot of produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

No time like the present to present the present.

A small-mouthed bass was painted on the big bass drum.

The white dove dove down into Dover.

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