A Blondes Year in Review:

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!……bottles wont fit in printer !!!

March – Got really excited……finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months……box said 2-4 years!

April – Trapped on escalator for hours …… power went out!!!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid……wrong instructions….. 8 cups of water wont fit into those little packets!

June – Tried to go water skiing……couldnt find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…… learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm…… car swamped because soft-top was open.

September – The capital of California is C……isnt it???

October – Hate M & Ms……they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days …. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December – Couldnt call 911 …… duh…… theres no eleven button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. Reverend, she said, I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?

I have an idea, said the minister. Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

Jesus!, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones, said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

God! Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

Right again, said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and Ill break it in half and shove it up your ass!

Amen, replied the congregation.

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A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, Thats really nice after all of these years youve been married to keep saying those little pet names.

The host said, Well, honestly, Ive forgotten her name.

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Man standing was the pharmacy counter finishing up on his purchase, while the next lady in line keeps coming up to the counter thinking the gentlemen was finished.

Finally, he moves to the side to allow the impatient lady to come to the counter.

She rushes the pharmacist asking Are you a pharmacist?

He said Yes I am.

Will you please tell me something about viagra? she asked.

The pharmacist said I would be glad to. Well it a prescription medication used for men who are having sexual problems. Your doctor has to write a prescription for this medication.

He also further states Its a great medication, I even take it at times.

The lady then interrupts to ask Can get it over the counter?

If I take two.