A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $750.00. ? She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $750..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!” ?

The clerk told her that $750.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. ? She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.” ? “But I didn’t use them.” ? ‘Well, they are here, and you could have.” He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.” We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here.” ? “But I didn’t go to any of those shows..” ? “Well, we have them, and you could have.”

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. ? After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. ? “But Madam, this check is for only $250.00” ? “That’s correct I charged you $500.00 for sleeping with me.” ? “But I didn’t!” ? “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

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A guy is driving to his girlfriends house to pick her up for a date. The problem is he has terrible gas and it stinks. He is farting all the way there and all the way up to the front door. He’s still farting when she opens it unexpectedly.

“Come in silly. Why are you just standing there?” She asks. “I’m just finishing my makeup. Come meet my dad and I’ll be right down.”

He meets the dad who invites him to have a seat across the living room from him. They make small talk until the family dog comes over to the boyfriend. He pets the excited dog and accidentally let’s a little fart out.

“Rusty!” says the dad angrily. The boyfriend immediately wonders if the dad thinks the dog made the smelly fart. To test his theory, he lets a little more out.

“Rusty!!” bellows the father once again. At this point, the boyfriend is convinced the dad thinks the dog is farting so he lets out the rest of the built up gas.

Immediately, the father says “Rusty! Get over here before he shits on you!”

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A charity collector knocks on the door of a wealthy man’s mansion.

The man opens the door, and the collector says, “Good afternoon, sir. I’m from the local charity. Our records show that you haven’t contributed anything to our cause, despite your apparent wealth. Would you be willing to make a donation to help those in need?”

The wealthy man looks at the collector and says, “Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who is struggling to pay her medical bills?”

The collector, looking concerned, replies, “No, sir, we didn’t know that.”

The man continues, “Do your records show that my brother lost his job and is drowning in debt?”
The collector, now even more concerned, says, “No, sir, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

The man goes on, “Do your records show that my sister is a single mother with three kids who can barely make ends meet?”

The collector, feeling sympathetic, responds, “No, sir, I had no idea your family was going through such tough times.”

The man then leans in and says, “Well, if I’m not giving them any money, what makes you think I’m going to give any to you?”

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A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and leaves the bedroom.

He sits at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee – deep in thought… just staring at the wall. She can see a tear slipping from his eyes and he takes a long sip of his coffee. “What’s wrong, darling? Why are you sitting in the kitchen at this hour?” she asks him.

“Do you remember when we had our first date 20 years ago? You were only 16!” he asks her.
“But yes!” she replies.

“Do you remember when your dad caught us making love in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember it well, I’ll never forget it.”

“Do you also remember when he held his gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or you go to prison for the next 20 years!?’

“Oh yeah!” she says.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “You know… today I would have been released from prison” and breaks into a deep sob.
“””””

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