A man was desperate for a job and finally found an unusual one at the zoo. The gorilla had passed away, and they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla costume until they could get a new one. The man reluctantly agreed.

The next day, he put on the gorilla suit and went into the enclosure. At first, he was nervous, but as the crowd started to gather, he got into it, beating his chest and swinging around.

One day, while swinging on a vine, he accidentally flew over the fence into the lion’s enclosure. Terrified, he backed up against the wall as the lion slowly approached him. With the lion getting closer and closer, the man finally couldn’t take it anymore and screamed, “Help! Help!”

The lion suddenly stopped, leaned in close, and whispered, “Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

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Two aliens in their flying saucer land near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They get out and walk up to one of the gas pumps. The captain alien points his ray gun at a gas pump and says, “Take me to your leader.”

The gas pump says nothing.

The captain alien repeats, “Take me to your leader.”
The gas pump says nothing.

The ensign alien says, “Hey, man. This seems like a bad idea. We should go.”
The captain alien replies, “Shut up. I’m in charge here. Take me to your leader.”
The gas pump says nothing.

The ensign alien repeats, “Dude, this is a really bad idea. These guys are bad news. We should go.”
Again, the captain alien replies, “Shut up. What do you know? Last chance! Take me to your leader!”
The gas pump says nothing.

Finally, the captain alien says, “That’s it!” and shoots the gas pump.

The entire station explodes, throwing the two aliens 50 yards away.

As they’re picking themselves up out of the dirt, the captain alien says to the ensign, “How? How did you know those guys were bad news?”

The ensign alien replies, “I’ve been all over this galaxy and I’ve learned one fundamental truth: if you meet a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it in its ear, you leave it alone.”

“””””

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A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady : “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : “Oh Well now That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

“””””

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A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, “This should impress him!”

He showed his son a machine and said, “Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.”

The son, unimpressed, said, “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”

The father, “Yes son, we call it your mother.”

“””””
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