A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress.
He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home.
As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance..

“What’s up” says the acquaintance..
“Went to the other village to buy a mattress”..
“How much did you buy it for?”
“200”

“Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day”…
The man is a little pissed but walks on…and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says..
“Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day”..
?
The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in…
The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor..
Neighbor: “What’s up?”

At this point, the guy has no patience left and says
“I went to the other village to get screwed”..
Neighbor: “And you took your own mattress too?”

“””””

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Whenever Little Johnny’s parents wanted some “alone time”, they would send him out to the front porch with a bowl of ice cream.

This worked for a while, but eventually Little Johnny started eating the ice cream too quickly and would come back inside before his parents were done. So one day his mom came up with another idea to keep him occupied.

While bringing him out to the front porch, she said: “Johnny, once you’ve finished your ice cream, I want you to survey the whole neighborhood and then report back on your findings.” He thought it was a fun idea and agreed, then his mom hurried back inside.

After finishing his ice cream, Little Johnny looked around the neighborhood, then after a few minutes he walked to his parents’ window and yelled: “The Hendersons got a new car!”

His mom yelled back: “That’s great, keep looking!”

After a few more minutes of surveying, Johnny yelled up to the window again: “The Bakers are planting flowers!”

His dad yelled back: “Good job, keep looking!”

Little Johnny went back to surveying the area, but after 5 minutes he ran back up to the parents’ window and yelled: “Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are banging!”

Suddenly the commotion in the parents’ bedroom stopped, and after a few seconds of silence, his mom popped her head out the window and asked: “How do you know the Johnsons are banging?”
Little Johnny replied: “Because their son Timmy is sitting on the front porch with a bowl of ice cream.”

“””””

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A man is sitting at the bar, getting really drunk. When suddenly, the bartender announces last call. The man realizes he’s really, really drunk, and he needs to get home. When he tries to get off the bar stool, he realizes that he’s so wasted, he can’t even feel his legs.

So he pushes himself off the stool and drags himself out of the bar on his forearms, army-style. He crawls his way down the street, into his house, and makes it onto his couch, where he passes out. In the morning, his wife wakes him up, screaming. “You son-of-a-bitch, you came home wasted again, didn’t you?!”

“What?! No!” Exclaimed the man. “What makes you say that?”

“You forgot your wheelchair at the bar again!”

“””””

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A housewife tells her husband Dugly that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day.

He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted.
Finally the bartender says, “Dugly, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’t notice you’re drunk.”

Dugly agrees and as he’s walking to the door to meet the cab, he throws up all down his shirt.
“Oh no!” says Dugly. “My wife will definitely know now!”

“Don’t worry,” says the bartender. She asks another guy drinking at the bar for a business card. “Here. Put this in your shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife starts yelling, tell her you were headed home after one beer, and being the nice guy you are, was cheering up some poor drunk bastard and he threw up all over your shirt. He gave you his card so you can text him and he’ll pay for your laundry bill.”

“That’s GENIUS! Thanks so much!” Dugly is so happy with the plan and gets in the cab.
True to form, he gets home and immediately his wife starts laying into him.

“Dugly! You good for nothing, lazy, drunk-ass piece of shit! You’re so out of control you threw up all over yourself! What the hell’s the matter with you?! I can’t take it. I’m leaving you!”

“Wait, Sarah, wait!” Dugly pleads. “It’s not what you think. I’m stone cold sober. I was chatting up this poor guy that lost his job today, he’s scared he won’t be able to buy baby formula, his rent is due…he was a mess. I felt bad for him. He got shitfaced real bad. He’s the one the threw up on me!”
“Bullshit,” Sarah says defiantly.

“No! For real! He gave me his card and said he’d pay for to clean my shirt!” Dugly pulls out the card and hands it to Sarah.

“Oh.” Sarah says as the tension and anger drops from her face. “Ok. I’m sorry. I know you’re a good person and I appreciate your honesty.”

“You’re welcome,” says Dugly as he starts walking towards the stairs to go to bed.
“Oh. And just in case you start wondering, the guy also shit in my pants.”

“””””

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