My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends.

He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”

The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”

The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”

The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer.”

Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

“””””

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A drunk man stumbles put of a bar and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.

He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!”

The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”

He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!”

Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.”

The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!”

Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar.

Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”

“““““

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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn’t bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag.

Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…”.

He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. “Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery”.

They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…”. Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: “What About The Two At The Gate? Let’s get them”.

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