The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions”

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”

The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.”

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “She must have big tits.”

“””””

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A woman is walking home with her daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?”

“Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.”

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

“Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Lily.”

The third girl asks “HHJKJKJJG?!?!?! DDDNIDDDYYNGHHH!!!”

“Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock.”

“””””

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A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing.

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, “You will find no fish there.”

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice booms again, “You will find no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks up and says, “God, is that you?”

The voice says, “No, I’m the manager of this ice rink.”

“””””

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A man rescues a “pirate” from a deserted island.

After inviting the apparent pirate onto his boat, he asks whether it is harder to plunder ships with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and eye patch.

The man promptly replies “actually, I’m not a pirate.”
“Oh really? Then what’s with the wooden leg?”

“I was trying to swim out of the island. A shark bit my leg off and I had to replace it with this plank of wood.”

“Well, what about the hand?”

“While foraging for food in the island, a snake bit my hand and I had to cut it off, then replaced it with this hook.”

“Okay. But what about the eye patch?”

“That’s from seagull poop.”

“Wait, seagull poop makes you blind?”

“No, it was just my first day with the hook.”

“””””

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