So this British couple adopt a German baby and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family were eating their Sunday lunch and all of a sudden, the adopted German child, now aged 14 suddenly says in a thick German accent:

“Zis roast beef iz dry unt chewy!”

The parents are stunned!

“W-w-whaaaat did you say?” Asks the flabbergasted mother.

“DONNER UNT BLITZEN WOMAN! I SAY ZAT DE ROAST BEEF IZ DRY UNT CHEWY!”
“My God!” Exclaims the father. “You can talk?!”

“OV COURSE UNT CAN TALKEN!” Screams the child at the top of his voice.

“Then why have you remained silent all these years?” Asks the father. “Why is this the first time you’ve ever said anything?”

“BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, EVERYZING HAZ BEEN SATISFACTORY!”

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says “I want to be gorgeous,”

And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: ” Make ’em all ugly again.”

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When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.” One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn’t see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I’d turn left. He’d swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

“Why are you following me, kid?” the plow driver asked.

“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”

“Well,” said the plow driver. “I just finished clearing the Costco parking lot. Want to follow me over to Petsmart??”

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!”

I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs….

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”

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