A proctologist is hitting his midlife crisis, and realises that he’s miserable in his career. He never really wanted to be a doctor, he just gave into pressure from his parents, and he’s made his money, paid off the house, seen the kids through college and decided “stuff it” he’s going to go back and retrain.
He thinks of all the things he likes and what would make him happy, and decides to retrain as a mechanic. He goes to trade school, studies hard, and reaches the final exam.

The final exam is having to strip down an engine to its individual components, then rebuilding it. He disassembles it, and then puts it all back together. He’s pretty confident he’s passed with flying colours.
A couple weeks later the results come out, and he’s got 150% on the final exam! He’s confused, so he reaches out to the teacher.

The teacher explains “well, the first 50% of the exam was for disassembling it, and you did that perfectly. The second 50% of the exam was for rebuilding it, and you did that perfectly, too”
“OK” says the now-former-proctologist, “but what about the extra 50%?”

“Well”, says the teacher, “it’s the first time we’ve ever seen that done entirely through the exhaust port.”

“””””

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On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.

Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: “Do you know what arthritis is?”
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

“It’s a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say.”

The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, asked the drunk: “How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it.”

“””””

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An overweight guy is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a program that guarantees weight loss of 10 pounds in a week, so the guy signs up for it. The next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads “If you catch me, you can have me.”

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this, he tries the next weight loss plan – 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which, he weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the 20 pounds master program.

Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of the plan. Still, he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”

“””””

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A woman walks up to a bus stop to wait for a bus. The only other person waiting there is a guy wearing a ballerina outfit, full clown makeup and has an orange traffic cone on his head.

The woman tries to keep quiet but after a few minutes she can’t resist and asks the guy, “Hey, um…what’s with the outfit?”

“What do you mean?” he responds.

“Well, you’re wearing a tutu, clown makeup and you have a traffic cone on your head,” she says.
“Yeah,” he says casually. “It’s Wednesday. I always wear my ballerina outfit with my clown makeup and cone hat on Wednesdays.”

She replies, “It’s actually Tuesday today.”

“It’s Tuesday?!” the guy says. “Oh man…I must look like a fucking idiot.”

“””””

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