A Texan is visiting his friend in Sydney, they go out sightseeing.

The Australian shows him the harbour bridge and the Texan says “back in Texas we could build a bridge like that in 2 weeks.”

The Australian then shows him St Mary’s cathedral and the Texan says “back home we could throw up a building like that in maybe a week!”

Frustrated, the Australian takes him to the Sydney Opera House.
“Wow,” says the Texan. “What’s that?”

“No idea, mate” says the Aussie, “it wasn’t there yesterday!”

“””””

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I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday,’ and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
As I walked into my office, my hot boss, Pam, said, ‘Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Pam knocked on my door and said, ‘It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Pam, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Pam said, ‘It’s such a beautiful day … we don’t need to go straight back to work, do we?’
I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.

After arriving at her house, Pam turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
And I just sat there ….
on the sofa ….
butt naked.

“””””

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A man was traveling through the desert on a camel. For three days everything was going well until the man realized that he was lost. He had plenty of supplies but couldn’t find his way to the village he was headed to. After a week in the desert he began to become very lonely and “took care” of himself.

Another day passed and he became more and more desperate. At night, when he camped, he started to look at his camel and thought to himself…”Nobody is around to judge me.” He decided hed take a chance with the camel, but the camel wasn’t having him and swung her head around to knock the man back.

Frustrated, the man accepted the situation and went to sleep. A few days later, he was still lost and decided he would try with the camel again. The camel swung her head around and hit the man down again. Angry, the man continued on his journey.

The next day the man happened across a lush oasis filled with water, flowers, fruit, and shade. In the center of the spring was a group of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen. They were bathing naked and the man became very aroused and couldn’t believe his eyes. The women hadn’t seen a man for a long time and welcomed him with massages and clear, crisp, water. One of the women leaned in close and whispered in his ear.

“We can make all of your fantasies come true. Tell us, what do you want most?”
The man thought about it and said “well its very naughty…”

The women giggled and the lead woman smiled and said “its ok baby, whatever you want is yours.”
He hesitated before saying:

“Well if you insist. Can one of you hold this camel’s head?”

“””””

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A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas. He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. “So how did you do it?” she asks.

“I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so.” He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. “Dick, ten-HUT!”

His penis springs straight up, erect and raring to go. “Dick, at ease!” His penis soon becomes flaccid. “Now you try!”

His wife tries it—”Dick, ten-HUT!”, and his penis springs to life again.

“Dick, at ease!” The soldier’s penis relaxes and softens. “Oh, we need to show the neighbors this!” The wife leaves and comes back with their neighbor, an attractive 20-something woman. His wife encourages her to try telling the soldier’s penis to come to attention and stand at ease.

“Dick, attention!” the neighbor commands. The soldier’s penis, as expected, hardens.

“Dick, at ease!” But his penis does not go down. “Dick, at ease!”

The soldier looks down at his penis, still erect. “Dick, at ease!”

But the military man’s member refuses to go down, so he runs away into the bathroom. His wife follows him and sees him furiously masturbating.

“Honey, what are you doing?” she asks with a hint of worry in her voice.

The soldier replies, “He’s not following my orders so I’m giving him a dishonorable discharge!”

——-

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