At the trial

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds.”

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

“Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.”

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

“Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!”

“Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”
——-

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Middle of Night Bathroom Trips

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “William, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

William replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls William’s wife.

“Betty,” he says, “William is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Betty. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

——-

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Blind man in a restaurant

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Christy, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”

Christy complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Christy worked here…”

——-

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Woman cheats on her Husband

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realising her mistake, she starts praying to God:

“God, I know I did a bad thing But my marriage is the only thing that makes me happy. Please don’t let my husband find out.”

She hears a voice from above: Okay my child it will be. But the only condition is, years from now you’re going to die by drowning.

The woman agrees. The next years of her life become wonderful. She even wins the lottery and starts a successful business. Forgetting her conversation with God, she books a vacation on a cruise ship. During her cruise, the ship starts sinking. Remembering her faith, she starts praying to God again: “God, you’re not gonna drown a whole ship full of people because of me right?

She hears a familiar voice once again: “Are you kidding me? I’ve been gathering you whores for years”

“““““

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