An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

“””””

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I took my talking cow to a bar and told the bartender that my cow would talk in exchange for a free drink.
The bartender said, “Let’s see.”

I asked my cow what the 12th letter of the Greek alphabet was.
My cow said, “mu.”

Then I asked my cow what a large shapeless dress was called.
My cow said, “mu-mu.”

The bartender said, “those aren’t real questions! Hey, cow, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

My cow answered, “Moooooo.”

The bartender got angry at this point and threw us out while yelling that we were frauds.
Outside we sat on the curb. My cow looked sad, his head was bowed. A single tear trickled down from his eye and he asked me, “Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?”

“””””

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!

“””””

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “Why did you ask
this question?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

“””””

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