A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her.

“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? ” Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman. As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says to his wife, “Wait a minute! I can explain everything!

“I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying ‘Will work for food’, and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and clean it I would gladly feed her as much as she could eat. Well, when she said she would work for food, she was telling nothing but God’s honest truth, and you can see for yourself, the yard’s cleaner than we’ve ever seen it.

“After an effort like that, three or four bowls of stew didn’t seem like enough, and I noticed she’d gotten her clothes filthy, so I thought I’d have a look through the wardrobe and see what we could give her.

“There was that outdoor work shirt that you bought, only then it went out of style the next week and so you never even got it out of the packaging.
“You had a couple of pairs of jeans that you tried once and complained they made your ass look fat, so I thought you wouldn’t mind.

“You had some hiking socks and boots that you bought five years ago when you were all about the hiking you were going to do, and then you never went, and I figured if you were going to try it at last you’d probably want new stuff anyway.

“There was some underwear that your sister sent you as a present, only you’ve vowed never to speak to her again and they’ve not seen daylight since you unwrapped them.

“This girl here was delighted with all this stuff, and she tried it all on, and then she said ‘Have you got anything else that your wife doesn’t want any more?’
“…and, well, here we are.”

“““““

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
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One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away. He’s a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other.

Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser.

Not too long later the appraiser calls him: “I’ve finished my analysis, and I’ve got some good news. There’s no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius.” The man is ecstatic: “I can sell these for millions!” The appraiser says “Well, you can sell them, and they’ll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn’t much of a painter… and Van Gogh made lousy violins.”

——-

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