A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

“Will I die?” she asked.

“No,” God replied, “You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days.”

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.

She gets a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair.

After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a car and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she’s steaming.

“What was that!?” she asked.

“What?” God responded, “You died.”

“You said I would live another 40 years!”

“Oh.” God thought for a while.

“I didn’t recognize you.”
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A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied: “He went that way.”

After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to war to Iraq.”

The nun said: “I understand completely.”

The soldier added: “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied: “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either!

“““““

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Paddy was planning to get Married and asked his Doctor how he could tell if his Bride is a Virgin.

The Doctor said, “Well, you need Three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A Can of Red Paint, a Can of Blue Paint… and a Shovel.

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?”

The Doctor replied, “Before the Wedding Night, you Paint one of your Testicles Red and the other Testicle Blue. Then if she says, ‘That’s the strangest Pair of Balls I’ve ever seen’, you hit her with the Shovel”.

“““““

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A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don’t you want me here until 10 a.m.?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

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