Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s underwear. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

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The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.””Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime — Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

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A 72 year old man had one hobby – he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up.’ he looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say Again, ‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’ I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

‘Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.’

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