A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the Captain’s parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said “Okay, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”

“””””

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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!”

Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar’s far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, “Your mom liked it!”

Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk.”

“””””

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A Frenchman, a Greek and an Albanian are in a hot air balloon on a foggy day.

Sometime into the flight, the Frenchman announces:

“We are flying over France.”

“How do you know?” say the Greek and the Albanian.

“I put my hand out and touched the Eiffel Tower.”

Later, the Greek announces:

“We are flying over Greece now.”

“How do you know?” say the others.

“Because I put my hand out and touched the Parthenon”

A few minutes later, the Albanian announces:

“Ah, now we are flying over Albania!”

“How do you know?”

“I put my hand out and they stole my watch.”

“””””

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John falls asleep next to his wife, in bed. After some time, he sees st. Peter. John: “am I dreaming?” St. Peter: “no John, you’ve passed away in your sleep… unfortunately, we’re not ready for you yet. We’ll need to send you back, but unfortunately, we can only send you back as a chicken.”

John thinks about this for a moment, and agrees. There’s a blinding flash of light, and when John opens his eyes, he finds that he’s in a chicken coop.

The chicken next to him says “hey, you haven’t laid any eggs today. The farmer will slaughter you if you don’t lay any” John: “I don’t know how” Chicken: “it’s easy. You just go ‘bock bock booock’ and squeeze real hard.”

John: ok, I’ll give it a try. Bock bock BOOOOCK” John squeezes hard, and out pops a massive egg.
Chicken: “whoa! That’s a massive egg!” John: “I think I can lay a bigger one. Watch this: bock bock BOOOOOOOOCK” and John squeezes harder than before, and out pops an even bigger egg!
Chicken: “goodness, that’s the biggest egg I’ve ever seen!” John: “hold on, this one will blow your mind… BOCK BOCK BOOOOOOO-”

and at that moment, John’s wife elbows him in the ribs and shouts “stop shitting in the bed”

“””””

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