There was an older couple whose love life was quite stagnant. Their bedroom routine now consisted of reading books silently to themselves before turning out the lights to sleep with a pillow between them.

One night, the husband began playing with his wife below the covers, and she felt the sensation and began to breathe a little deep. All the sudden, he stopped. About two minutes later, he once again begin rubbing her down there this time, a little deeper and faster. And once again, he abruptly stopped.

This time she rolled over and said “ if you’re trying to pleasure me with your hand, you need to do it for more than 30 seconds!!!” The husband says “shhhh I’m trying to read, and I’m not trying to pleasure you. I needed to wet my finger to turn the page!!”

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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. T

he next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

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A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel. He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.

The madam says “We don’t have women and we don’t have men, but we have a badger.”

“Huh?” grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.

He spends the night, has breakfasts and thanks everyone on the way out, and goes on with his life.

Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he’ll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.

The madam says “We don’t have women, and we don’t have men, but we have a video: man and badger.”

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So a man goes to his local priest and says to him “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“Go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man.

“Continue” says the priest.

“I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”.

“And this is when you swore?” asked the priest.

“No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man.
“This must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed.

“No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a rat came out of nowhere and scurried off with the ball down the fairway.”

“Is this where you swore?” said the priest?

“No, because as I was running after the rat a hawk flew down from the trees, picked up the rat who then decided to hold onto my ball. The hawk then proceeded to fly off ” continued the man.

“Ahhh! I see!” Says the priest. “This must have been the point where you swore!”

“Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the rat had let go of the ball over the green. It landed, rolled towards the hole, stopping about two inches from the hole!”

The priest pauses for a few seconds. “You missed the f*%$ing putt didn’t you?”

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