At the end of a Tax Year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books at a synagogue.

While checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and asked, “I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question,” retorted the rabbi, “we save them up and send them to candle makers, every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”

The inspector was a bit disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But he continued, in his obnoxious way,”What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? ”

“Ah! Yes.” replied the rabbi realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, every now and then they send us a free box of biscuits.”

The auditor thought hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all rabbi. “Well rabbi, what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, said the rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete dick like you.”

“““““

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The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your backside, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

“““““

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute….”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

——-

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An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, “If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, his widow goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn’t worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The widow smiles, “Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!”

“””””

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