A man gets so drunk at a bar that he pukes down the front of his shirt. He begins freaking out and says, “oh no! What do I do? My wife said if she caught me drinking too much again that she would throw me out of the house.”

A fellow patron emerges with a plan. “Give me $20.” Desperate he gives it to him. The patron proceeds to stuff the $20 bill into the mans puke covered front shirt pocket and says, “go home. when you get there, tell your wife that someone else at the bar got so drunk that they puked on your shirt and as an apology stuffed $20 in your pocket for your troubles.”

The man decides to give it a shot and heads home

“Honey, I’m home!”

“Oh no George you got drunk again! There’s puke all over your shirt.”

“No I swear I didn’t. Another guy at the bar got so drunk he threw up on my shirt and put $20 in my shirt pocket to make up for it. Check my pocket.”

The wife reached into his pocket and sure enough pulled out money.

She then said, “I thought you said it was $20. There’s $40 here.”

“Oh yeah. He also shit my pants.”

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Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man’s penis.

The first women says “Mountain Dew.” as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to “do do do”

The second women describes her husband’s penis as “7up” because “It’s 7 inches long and it’s always up”

The third women when asked how she would describe her husbands penis, says “it’s like RC cola”

When asked, “Why RC cola?”

She responds with “Because I fucking hate RC cola.”
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I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed with pride.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her. ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.’

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

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A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He’s an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that’s not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

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