On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ………………. and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!

“””””

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Jay and Dugly want to go drink in a bar. Problem is, they have no money. “No problem” says Jay, “I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won’t have to pay.”

Dugly agrees, takes the sausage and off they go in the bar. They drink, and after two or three rounds they see the bartender coming with the tab. So Dugly openes his trousers and shows part of the sausage, and Jay goes to town on it. Bartender is not amused and kicks them out.

Happy that it works they go to the next pub. Same game, they drink, have fun and when the tab arrives they play dip the sausage and get thrown out.

This goes on for a couple of bars, until after one throw down (or throw out) Jay shakes his head and tells Dugly “Sorry old friend, I can’t take any more beer or sausage tonight”. Dugly looks at him and answers “You have it easy, I lost the sausage three bars ago…”

“””””

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A group of newly-hatched kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use big people words,” she’d always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

“No, you took a ride on a train,” said the teacher. “Use big people words”.

She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”

“””””

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An engineer, a mathematician and an economist go on a work interview

First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is?

The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course.

The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.

Again, he asks what 2+2 is?

The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4.

The employer thanks him and calls in the economist.

Again, he asks what 2+2 is?

The economist looks around, stands up and closes the curtains before he bends down and whispers: What do you want it to be?

“””””

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