5 advices to men for a happy life

You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

You should find a woman that is a good cook,

You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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A man walks into a bar with a box and sits down and calls the bartender over. He says “If I show you the neatest thing you’ve ever seen, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender, thinking, he’s seen everything, takes the man up on the offer. The man pulls the lid off the box and inside is a little man, jamming away at a piano. “He plays Bach, Mozart, you name it” the man says, as the bartender looks on.

“So, how’d you get your hands on him?” The bartender asks.

“With this lamp. Rub it and you’ll be granted one wish” The man pulls a lamp out of his pocket and passes it to the bartender. The bartender rubs it and says, “I’d like a million bucks”. POOF, there are ducks everywhere, flying around and shitting on everything. “Why didn’t you tell me your genie was defective?” he yells.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t ask for a 12 inch pianist either.”

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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.” A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.” Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.” Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: “But this is $500…” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

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Three men arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter tells them that Heaven is pretty crowded right now, so only people with the most horrific deaths can enter, everyone else has to wait until more room is made. He asks each man in turn how they died.

The first man says well, I lived on the 5th floor of an apartment building in downtown New York. I had been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for quite some time, so I came home from work a few hours early to catch her in the act. She’s in bed, naked, but said he was just hot and tired so I quickly started to search for her lover. I searched the whole house and couldn’t find him until I went out to the balcony, and sure enough there the sonofabitch was, hanging from the guard rail. I started to punch and kick him, but he wouldn’t fall, so I finally took off my shoe and began to hit his hands with it. He finally fell, and in my rage and adrenaline rush I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it off the balcony. I apparently died of a heart attack from over exertion.

St. Peter looks at the man and says “wow, that’s pretty horrible, go on in.” Then asks the second man for his story.

Well, I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in New York city. I came home from work a bit early and, like always, got myself a cup of tea and went to my balcony to drink it while enjoying the view and fresh air. I must have lost my balance somehow, because I fell off. Fortunately I grabbed the guard rail of the floor below me and held on for dear life. Eventually someone came to help me, but to my dismay he started punching and kicking me instead. I held on for as long as I could, but he eventually took off his shoe and started hitting my hands, I finally fell. To my surprise I woke up in the bushes with only some scrapes and scratches, just in time to see a refrigerator falling from the balcony. It landed on me and I died.

St. Peter looks at him and again says “wow, that’s pretty terrible, go on in.” He then asks the third man about his death.

Third guy says “ok, picture this, I’m naked in a refrigerator….”

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