An old man goes to his doctor.

Old man: Hey Doc, my wife’s hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?

Doc: Well, how bad is it?

Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.

Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn’t hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.

Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.

So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts “EDNA?! WHAT’S FOR DINNER?!”
Nothing.

He walks through his hall and once more shouts “EDNA?! WHAT’S FOR DINNER?!”
Nothing.

He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. “EDNA?! WHAT’S FOR DINNER?!”
Nothing.

Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear “EDNA?! WHAT’S FOR DINNER?!”.

“FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!”
“””””

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boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

“That was a honey bee,” his father said,”one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week.”

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. “That was a butterfly,” his father said, “one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week.”

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her or should I”?

“““““

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A woman was about to go into labor when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman’s husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%. 20% of the pain was transferred, but the husband didn’t feel anything. He says, “crank it up, doc.” The setting goes up to 40%. The husband still doesn’t feel anything. He says, “I’m still okay. Crank it up, I’m sure I can handle it.” The perplexed doctor raises the setting to 60%. The husband, still completely unfazed, says, “Wow. This is 60%? I don’t know what she always complains about.” The doctor, now beginning to doubt the device, cranks it up to 100%. The woman delivers her child painlessly, and the husband still doesn’t feel anything.

The happy couple go home, where they are greeted by a neighbor. He says, “You wouldn’t believe what happened when you were gone! The mailman suddenly fell to the ground, screamed in increasing agony for 20 minutes, and died!”

“““““

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A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn’t tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn’t trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who’s dick missing.

So the first week past and it was time for a checkup. He line up 10 of his sailors and ask them to put down their pants. 9 out of 10 have lost their dick. The captain, furious, kills the 9. To make an example of the tenth he said to him:

-Son for your honesty I will promote you as my assistant!

The sailor could not believe his ears and with joy he replies:

-Tkacjk ylgf cajhdehn!

“““““

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